Just Pretend
by desert anbu
Summary: You never know what you've got until it's gone, and when it is, all you can do is just pretend it never left. Almost oneshot.


Stream of consciousness writing, unedited.

Disclaimer: I own the character and the plot. The rest is yet to be disclosed.

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Slender arms wrapped around a pair of knees and the young woman cradled her cheek against them, the sheets tangled around her small body providing little warmth against the chill of the night air. Her hair was loose and fell down her back, just brushing against her hips with every passing breeze, her long bangs hanging down to hide her face. She sniffled softly and tightened her hold on her knees, closing her eyes against the tide of tears that threatened to fall and stain the sheets and her skin with her pain.

Who would have thought that the man she had hated the most would be the one to break her heart? Even when said man slept beside her, she could no longer feel the warmth of his body, the warmth of being wrapped up in his arms while she slept. She had taken her surrogate brother for granted when he had allowed her to crawl under the covers with him whenever she had a nightmare or didn't want to be alone, and snuggle into his embrace to chase away whatever demons continued to chase her. How could she have known? It had never been an issue before. It had always been provided for her, she had never been lacking it. And now that it was gone… She felt empty, cold, and alone.

A single tear escaped and she pressed her cheek against her arm, wishing fervently that the past had never happened, that she could just turn back the clock and things would go back to the way they used to be. Back to when she had spent all day sleeping in and all night roaming around town with her friends, hopping from one club to another. Back to when she had loved living out on the streets and by the spur of the moment. Back to when she had had control of her life. Back to when she had been in a world in which she belonged.

Or had she? Had she ever belonged in their world?

She lifted her chin and propped it up on her knee, staring out at the darkness that filled her room – _their_ room. She had been born into _this_ world, not the one that she had lived in for the past seventeen years. She had been born into a world of privilege and prestige, a world full of deadly competition where emotions were looked down upon and kindness even more so. A world where any words relating to the word 'fun' had been ripped out of the dictionary. A world where her life was no longer her own.

Truthfully, she found that she could deal with that. She could put on the act, pretend to be one of the wraiths that went about their day without a single expression crossing their face, cutting through the competitors without a care for other's well-being. It was something else that she could not live without.

The love.

This home, while it did belong to her, was empty. It was huge, filled with culture and history and people, but it was cold…dead. There was no life, the inner heart wasn't there, or it had been frozen over so long ago that it was now no longer recognizable.

She wanted so badly… Where was her surrogate brother when she needed him? Where was his laughter, his teasing, his egotistical humor? Where were his warm arms that would hold her until all of the world's sorrows drifted away and left only the two of them? Where were those arms that made it seem as though she was the only one that really mattered? Where was the love that shone in his eyes when he looked at her, the affection in his smile when he ruffled her hair or picked her up, kicking and screaming, and threw her in the pool?

She missed him. She missed him so much it hurt. She missed his hugs, his smile, his stupid jokes, his love. She wanted to feel loved again. She wanted to love and be loved, like she had in the old days. Before him.

Eyes glistening with tears turned to see the sleeping figure beside her, lying on his side with one arm supporting his head, and the other resting just beside her hip. His chest rose and fell with each gentle breath, his thick bangs shadowing his brow and hiding one eye completely from sight. He was beautiful, really… Adonis reincarnated, but while she felt she should have been happy to be with him, all she felt was sorrow. She didn't want a trophy husband; she didn't want millions of dollars to spend whenever she liked, or a big house with servants and her own garage. She didn't want any of it.

_I just want… I just want to be loved._ She sniffled again and buried her face in her arms as the tears began anew, sliding down her cheeks to stain the sheets and create salty trails down her bare legs._ I don't want to have to pretend to be someone I'm not anymore. I hate pretending to be the perfect wife in front of everyone else… I just want to be happy again._

A soft sigh sounded beside her and she lifted her tear-stained face to see her husband shift in his sleep and then go still. She shook her head and stared into the shadows a moment more until she felt as though she couldn't take it anymore. Hastily brushing the tears away and drying her face, she slowly released her legs and slid beneath the covers, biting her lip when she lay only inches from him. _I want… Even if it isn't real… Just for a little while…_ Before the tears began to fall again, she gently lifted his arm and crawled beneath it, turning her body until her back was pressed against his toned chest. He stirred again and his arm curled around her slender waist, pulling her closer to him and she rested the back of her head against his shoulder even as her silent tears dripped down to stain the pillow. _Even if you don't really love me…just pretend. For a little while._


End file.
